Chinese Wedding Traditions

Did you know that to announce a Chinese wedding, the bride's family would send cakes to all their family and friends? Or that, traditionally, the groom's family presented the bride's family with a pig? Whether or not you intend to follow ancient tradition, here’s a cheat sheet to Chinese customs that kicked off the engagement.

The Proposal

In ancient China, the proposal was an elaborate process following the principle of the "Three Letters and Six Etiquettes," which began by hiring a go-between, or matchmaker, for the two families. Those with the most say in who actually got engaged were the parents of the bride and groom -- not the individual bride and groom.

1) Choosing a Bride
The groom's parents would identify a likely bride and send gifts to her parents via the matchmaker to express their feelings about the match. If her parents approved, the matchmaker would obtain the date and hour of the girl's birth in the form of an official document to give to the boy's family.

2) Becoming a Groom
The groom's family would place this document on the ancestral altar for three days. If no inauspicious omens took place during that time, the groom's parents would give the bride's birth information to an astrological expert to make sure that the two were a good match. If found favorable, the groom's family would give an official document of the boy's date and hour of birth to the matchmaker to bring to the bride's family, who would then go through the same process.

3) Making a Match
If both outcomes were found favorable, the two families would arrange to meet face to face. The betrothal would begin if both sets of parents were decidedly satisfied with each other.

The Betrothal

Because the traditions were ever-changing, betrothal ceremonies ranged from a formal proposal letter to a gift exchange. Here are a few of the most practiced rituals.

1) Choosing Gifts
As tokens of intention, both parents exchange family credentials. After extensive discussion, the two families agree on a monetary amount and gifts for the bride's family. In Taiwan, many wealthier families adhered to a tradition of giving 12 gifts. Many of these gifts are symbolic, such as a pair of chopsticks (the word for chopsticks sounds like "fast boy" and is a wish for sons).

2) Picking a Date
After receiving engagement gifts, the bride's family chooses from several auspicious wedding dates suggested by the groom's family. The bride's parents also set the date for exchanging betrothal gifts with the groom's parents.

3) Exchanging Gifts
The groom's family would present betrothal gifts including money and tea, cakes adorned with a phoenix and dragon, pairs of male and female poultry, and sweetmeats, all accompanied by an itemized document. The gift of tea was such an important part of this ritual that the gifts became known collectively as cha-li, or "tea presents." In exchange, the bride's family gave gifts of food and clothing to the groom's family. The gifts from the groom's family acknowledged the bride's parents' efforts in raising the girl. By accepting these gifts, the bride's family pledged her to the groom's family.

4) Announcing the Wedding
The bride's family would distribute cakes, given to them by the groom's family, to their friends and relatives to announce the wedding. The number of cakes given to each person was based on seniority and degree of intimacy. Those who received bridal cakes were expected to give congratulatory gifts to the bride's parents.

5) The Dowry
Several days after the presentation of betrothal gifts, the bride's family would send an inventoried dowry by way of messenger to the groom's family house. The dowry consisted of practical items (land, a house, furniture, servants, grain), along with a chamber pot filled with fruit and strings of coins for the groom's family. The procession of the dowry to the groom's house is considered a display of the social status of the bride's family and their love for their daughter.

-- Anja Winikka

Information about the elements of ancient Chinese wedding ceremonies is generally credited to scholars of the Warring States period (402-221 B.C.). Even during this period, etiquette underwent changes and simplification and differed among provinces, cultures, and families.

Sources:
Chinese Historical and Cultural Project (CHCP.org)
Wild Geese and Tea, An Asian-American Wedding Planner by Shu Shu Costa (Riverhead Books, 1997)

 

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